3 years and 7 months ago, I was 2 weeks post my 3rd IUI. It was pregnancy test day. I waited nervously, excitedly, anxiously and hopefully. When only 1 pink line showed up, I was devastated...crushed. I stumbled back into our room, laid next to Jared and just sobbed. I was only allowed to weep for a few minutes, before returning to the bathroom to finish getting ready for work.
I snatched up the test, ready to throw that awful thing in the garbage- and somehow through my tears saw the faintest 2nd pink line. So faint I still wasn't sure it was there even after holding it to the light, close to my eyes. I charged back into the room, threw on the light, chucked Jared's contacts at him and DEMANDED he take a look. He confirmed that it wasn't my imagination...there were 2 of the most beautiful pink lines either of us had ever seen.
For the past week, I have been exhibiting some signs that hinted towards pregnancy. Every time I would think of the possibility, I would have mixed emotions.
My mind would think about how we are not trying to have another baby right now. It would stress about finances, MORNING SICKNESS, 3 kids 3 yrs old and under, etc.
But my heart would flutter in excitement. It would focus on the newborn smell, the newborn snuggles, the newborn sounds. My heart craves a newborn!
So this morning, I took a test. I was almost certain it would be positive. And I was (mostly) ecstatic.
3 minutes later, I was staring at only 1 pink line.
My mind was immediate overflowing with relief. My baby is BARELY one. He still can't walk. He still doesn't say mama. He still needs me so, so much...not the incapacitated woman I become the first 6 months of pregnancy. Jared is still in the first year of owning a business. Taking care of it, our home, a sick me and 2 kids is more than any guy should have to deal with. This is a good thing.
Then there was my heart. It was broken. It wonders if baby #3 will take a long time to get here, like Kerrigan. It is terrified of having to go through what it went through 4 years ago. In my heart, I wanted to crumble into a ball and cry on the bathroom floor.
Luckily, in this case, my head has been in control most of the day. I know we are going to be fine. We are going to live by the motto "Come What May, and Love it".
However, for a few minutes this morning, I let my heart win, and I cried over that stupid, single pink line.