Saturday, October 22, 2011

Conflicted

3 years and 7 months ago, I was 2 weeks post my 3rd IUI. It was pregnancy test day. I waited nervously, excitedly, anxiously and hopefully. When only 1 pink line showed up, I was devastated...crushed. I stumbled back into our room, laid next to Jared and just sobbed. I was only allowed to weep for a few minutes, before returning to the bathroom to finish getting ready for work.

I snatched up the test, ready to throw that awful thing in the garbage- and somehow through my tears saw the faintest 2nd pink line. So faint I still wasn't sure it was there even after holding it to the light, close to my eyes. I charged back into the room, threw on the light, chucked Jared's contacts at him and DEMANDED he take a look. He confirmed that it wasn't my imagination...there were 2 of the most beautiful pink lines either of us had ever seen.

For the past week, I have been exhibiting some signs that hinted towards pregnancy. Every time I would think of the possibility, I would have mixed emotions.

My mind would think about how we are not trying to have another baby right now. It would stress about finances, MORNING SICKNESS, 3 kids 3 yrs old and under, etc.

But my heart would flutter in excitement. It would focus on the newborn smell, the newborn snuggles, the newborn sounds. My heart craves a newborn!

So this morning, I took a test. I was almost certain it would be positive. And I was (mostly) ecstatic.

3 minutes later, I was staring at only 1 pink line.

My mind was immediate overflowing with relief. My baby is BARELY one. He still can't walk. He still doesn't say mama. He still needs me so, so much...not the incapacitated woman I become the first 6 months of pregnancy. Jared is still in the first year of owning a business. Taking care of it, our home, a sick me and 2 kids is more than any guy should have to deal with. This is a good thing.

Then there was my heart. It was broken. It wonders if baby #3 will take a long time to get here, like Kerrigan. It is terrified of having to go through what it went through 4 years ago. In my heart, I wanted to crumble into a ball and cry on the bathroom floor.

Luckily, in this case, my head has been in control most of the day. I know we are going to be fine. We are going to live by the motto "Come What May, and Love it".

However, for a few minutes this morning, I let my heart win, and I cried over that stupid, single pink line.

7 comments:

Reisner's said...

I seriously thought you were gonna say you were pregnant again...and my thoughts? Another pregnant lady sort of around me. haha. we had just talked about this yesterday and how everyone was getting pregnant but me. But I would of still been happy for ya. Who know maybe next time we can be prego together. And both babies healthy this time! Then I would just have to move to Boise so our kids could grow up together. lol
By the way remember that one time when the verification word was weird when you commented on my blog,don't remember the word just remember it was ironic. well this time mine says im sad. hmm weird

Janell said...

Having kids and knowing if the timing is right is so hard... But the beauty of it is the timing is not up to us... Which is so hard! Phill and I had an experience this year that definitely gave me an appreciation. I know so many struggling to have that blessing and yet I have about 15 friends pregnant right now and it's so hard to know why... But I know there is timing in things for a reason. It's just hard to trust in that. The fact that you mourned over that pink line even through the relief just shows your true love for motherhood and I admire it. ;)

Lesley Wright said...

This made me cry. It is now going on 2 years for us of trying. And that is why I don't take pregnancy test, I just wait and be crushed when I start my period. I just have to keep telling myself that it is all in the Lord's timing and there is a reason for it taking a long time. "Come what may, and love it" NOT like it but love it! Thanks Lindsey!

Kristin said...

Glad you let your heart win for a bit. We're definitely pregnant, but I still can't let myself take a home pregnancy test. Those stupid lines always get the best of me. Sorry they caused you some tears. :(

Erin said...

Oh Lindsey, I am sorry. I haven't struggled with infertility, but just this morning I had this same experience. Funny too since our kids are about the same ages. I took a test this morning, mostly hoping it was negative, but a little piece of me just wanted that baby so bad. Motherhood is so amazing. So so hard, and yet it's more rewarding than anything else... ever. I hope that sooner rather than later you get to see those two pink lines. I hope I do too!

Chante; said...

I thought too that you were pregnant again. But I think we are given the kids we're supposed to when we're supposed to. Trust me, having the kids I have and as close, I would dub myself as crazy but now things are getting easier and I wouldn't have the spacing between my kids any different. But since you're not, that's also a huge blessing in that you can enjoy your two longer as just the two of them. You're a great mom and I know you'll get pregnant again when you're supposed to :) not always when we want/or not want it to be :) But I am excited to see what your next kid will look like because you do make dang cute kids.

The Lemon Momma said...

Awww honey... I know that feeling so well. :-( I cried over every single one of my solitary pink lines. :-( Even when it was better that there was only one line.

((((hugs))))